A Quilter's Tour of September Vogue

Quilting is many things - psychotherapy, light exercise, friendship - but it is never a way to get rich, thin, fashionable, or chronologically younger.

So I don't have much to relate to in Vogue magazine photos, which celebrate the trendy, sinewy, wealthy, and post-millenial*. But I do enjoy some of the articles, and read them at the gym, while operating cardio machines, in a vain (pun intended) attempt to youthify myself.

In recent weeks, I've been pedaling faster than ever with excitement over the hefty September, 2018 issue. That's because I deciphered its secret message to quilters: Turn your patchwork into pricey fashion!

Most Vogue pages aren't numbered (why?) so I'll just give you a general idea of regions where this message is hidden. About twenty pages in, there's the following row of napping teens* in a cafe, wearing gloriously-embroidered crazy-quilt skirts, jackets, dresses and purses.

As a mother, I can only pray they're also wearing sunscreen. Closer:

How do people so young afford Dior clothing? That's only one of the many enigmas of Vogue. (Also: Who hand-stitched these pieces? Where? How much were they paid?) Vogue never tells. But I found a clearer picture here. And there's a whole page of a model named Bella Hadid wearing them, with equally colorful hair, here.

Next, a coat by a design firm called ETRO appears to incorporate crochet, knitting, metal embellishments, embroidery, furniture tassels, and maybe molas, on the right in this picture:

Closer:

A much clearer photo is here. The coat costs $7020, with free shipping! How many quilters have sold a quilt for $7020? 

Somewhere around page 300, there's a page titled V Life, with a subhead that reads "Flash: Patch Game." The text: "Matchy-matchy style gives way to quirky, offbeat pairings with Bohemian and Western influences." The illustration:

Let's break it down. On the far left, a celebrity named ASAP Rocky, is wearing a coat and pants made from bandanas by a company called ASYM. Separately, bandanas cost about $4 on Amazon, and only $1 each if you buy a dozen on ebay. But sewn together. the shirt is $1550, and the pants are a chill $1390! These facts make me want to change my name to ATHY and start quilting only in bandanas, which are cheaper than batiks. 

The denim jacket in the center/top of the page...

...is worn by the singer Rihanna, and appears to be made of multiple jeans, with the original pockets and belt loops, a Dolce & Gabbana design. I couldn't find this coat online but I did find a small D & G jeans jacket with a scatter of buttons; its front pocket and a back panel are replaced with floral prints, and it's a steal at $1437, which is 40% off, here!

In the lower right of the page, this outfit was sewn together from blue-and-white geometric fabrics, worn by actress Rosario Dawson.

The text says it's made by Studio 189 -  I looked that up and was happy to discover this fashion line is made by artisans and designers in Ghana, working in conjunction with Dawson, supporting people ethically. Read about it here. If high fashion can sustain African textile artists, can it sustain American quilters too?

On page 327, there's an ad for "Alice + Olivia by Stacey Bendet." This clothing appears to be constructed from patches of Indian or Chinese embroidered silk brocade, punctuated by occasional strips of faux leopard fur, instructing quilters that everything goes better with (faux) leopard.

The dress in front is called the "Rapunzel Curved-Hem Patchwork Mini-Dress," at Neiman Marcus where it costs $595. And here's an $800 coat like the one in the middle of the ad.

So how are your FUR piecing skills? I'm guessing quarter-inch seam allowances won't work. The next photo shows a fur coat by designer Isabel Marant with traditional pinwheel quilt blocks pieced in. (Or dyed/painted?) I couldn't find the identical jacket online; but I did find a shearling version. (Same coat inside-out?) Price: $5150.

On the facing page, there's this provocative purse:

The round embellishment appears to be a cross between a bosom and a cantaloupe, tattooed with a spiderweb. A purse containing milk, with a nipple for an infant, would be a fabulous gift for nursing mothers and their non-lactating partners!?

And speaking of hunger, further along, beautiful-but-gaunt twin pop singers Miranda and Elektra Kilbey are wrapped in a red-white-and-blue quilt (coat?) with a silver space-blanket lining. Online I learned that the Kilbeys are 27-years-old feminists who encourage women to go topless with the same frequency and insouciance as men, as part of a campaign called Free the Nipple.

Which certainly explains the bosom-themed purse. (Quilters have been freeing their nipples for years, coming home from work, extracting their bras, and dropping them on the floor, while racing to the sewing machine.) 

Just when you think Vogue must have run out of money-making ideas for quilters, page 628 shows us these $3590 Dior boots! Maybe I can glue some quilts to my old boots?

It's followed by a Chanel bag, with richly hand-embroidered autumnal foliage, but challenging to discern against a similar background:

And then, on page 624, only two pages from the end, under the title "Last Look," there's a bunch of Grandmother's flower garden blocks sewn into long gloves. 

(The gloves are laid across a purple aerial photograph, so they're also hard to see.) Bending hexagons to fit neatly around fingers deserves a big reward. If you buy these for your grandmother, and tell her about the $850 price tag, she will never garden in them.

To summarize, fellow quilters, we are vastly underpricing our work. If we would like a living wage from our art, we must strive to sell it to couture firms and designers. They'll turn our tops and UFOs into jackets, gloves, mini skirts, breast-and-leopard themed wearables; and all together, you, me, Vogue, and the young young young* models - we'll get rich, rich, rich!

*Most current Vogue models weren't even fetuses when I started quilting. But to their credit, the magazine's September issue also includes a very articulate article announcing their new policy to use only elder models - age 18+.

Postscript: Unfortunately, I have no financial affiliation with any of the companies or products mentioned above or below. But some of them might sue me for borrowing their photos.

PS2: Thanks to Wendy of Mission Fitness Center in Alhambra, CA, for granting me permission to swipe their copy of Vogue long enough to write this.

PS3: Buy bandana-print quilt fabric squares here.